Decisions

I was wondering whether I should post this or not for a few days now and decided that it's a part of my life that I want to remember.
Firstly, it's about my job and my future. I couldn't make up a decision on whether I should stay in my own field (science) or further into other fields of work ( mainly business), or should I just stay put until I have decided. I keep saying that I want to continue studying but I know I am just lying to myself. I don't really want to study, I just want to stay away from responsibilities and life, away from making a decision that will definitely change my life. Saying that I am too young is an excuse because I am not, I am just pampered and afraid of taking on responsibilities. I know that but I just don't want to face it. Time to grow up and actually take things into my own hand. Promise myself this is the last year I am going to be pampered.
Secondly, its about my love life. I know that I can't stop thinking about him, does that makes me interested/ in love with him? Yes, I am interested in him. But I am just going to let the feeling slide and leave me soon (hopefully). He is a very close friend since we can talk to each other about everything. He is thinking about another person A and there is a person B who is deeply in love with him. If A doesn't accept him, he is going to accept B. There isn't a place for me to play in this relationship. But, I still can't stop thinking about him. And since we are such good friends, I told him about how I felt and he told me how he felt about it - I thought so, but we are too different and thus I never really thought about us being together and there is someone on my mind. I knew he was going to say that but still I needed to hear it from him and thus got the answer I want. I made a decision to continue being good friends with him since the first time I said it and after I blurted it out the second time (cause I drank), I came to the same decision. Because I want this friend more than I want a boyfriend. Though it hurts, I will still hold on to this decision. Hope I have the will power to keep me from losing my cool.
Thirdly, its on the person I am. I always thought that I can do a lot for the people I love and care for. But, I found out that I am just a selfish person who loves myself more than any other person. I did everything to make myself feel good about myself and to fulfill whatever needs I have. Thus, I conclude that the person I love most is myself despite anything I seem to do for others. I hate myself when I learnt this fact. But I guess it's just me. So if you do find me being selfish, know that it's just me and that deep down I am trying to tune the love for myself down. It won't happen so fast but hopefully it will.

Just some thoughts that I penned down because I want myself to remember the things that went through my mind before and hopefully when I read it in the future, I will be a better person that understands why I made the decisions I make.

Life goes on....

How many times have I told myself this? I stopped counting once I reached my 3rd time, I guess. Life goes on no matter what happen. I think I understand it, but still I choose to live unhappily sometimes. It's not that I don't want to feel jolly for every passing day, it's just the random small and big events that hit me that allows melancholy to seep into my life. I accepted the fact that life goes on and we should be happy for every living day that we have. But, it doesn't stop me from brooding over the past mistakes I made, the unknown future that may turn out due to my mistakes and the present unhappiness cause by different events I experience. So let me just live my life with all the imperfects that I have and all the unhappy times so that I can love life more on the days when I am happy and content.

Love

A lot happened recently and just thought of blogging.
1. Friend is happily in love but is rejected by the parents due to age.
2. Roommate is crazily in love with a guy who doesn't (at this moment, and since 6 months ago) want to be with her
3. Colleague is confused on whether he should be with the girl he likes that he can't forget (he does not know if the person is interested in him) or the girl who is coming after him real hard(he don't think that she is bad just that he already has someone in mind).
4. Friend who thinks someone is interested but not
5. One who knows that it's not going to work out but still thinks about the person when there's a chance

Ah.... Love.... It's so simple yet complicated.
It never only involves 2 people as seen in fairy tales.
How I long for it yet not want it at the same time.
May all who know love know how to enjoy it even when it can hurt so badly.