有时候

有时候你可以完全不理会我， 有时候却对我宽怀不少。 我不知道该怎么样才好。 真的那么潇洒吗？ 如果可以我也不许再挣扎。

Addiction

Addiction to something means you are not able to leave that something out of your life as you think it makes your life easier. However, addiction allows us to have too much of something that we most probably don't need and might even damage us is some form that the addict don't know. Alcoholics don't think that they have a problem. They always think that it is their last drink but they end up drinking again and the viscious cycle of waking up sober in the morning and getting drunk at night starts again. It's knowing that you have this addiction that can allow you to conquer it and hopefully remove it from your life. Everyone has an addiction that they don't want to admit and hold on to it so dearly that it suffocates them at some point. Mine is an addiction that brought me a lot of embarrassment and sadness. Though I know it will eventually result in a problem, I still don't want to admit to having this addiction nor do I want to remove it from my life. Maybe, just maybe, eventually I will be able to remove it or conquer it. But till then, I did stay an addict for as long as I can. Note to self: 'Mr. Bear, stop being my addiction, because I want to change and I want a better life for myself.'

Song

Was out yesterday with a friend, the live band starts singing songs that I haven't heard in a while. When the song starts playing, I remembered the memories I had. It is great to know and remember that we shared something in common eventhough it was just for a while or just as long as a song. A song can touch you and can be just a tune, depending on how you perceive it. I am glad that I still remember the songs I have in common with my friends and love ones so that whenever the song plays, I am reminded that I am loved and I have people whom I love. To the my friend who went out with me, I am glad they sang the song which we chose (you chose). I can now remember a tune which we share and thus sometimes remember your presence in my life whenever I hear the song. Parting will be hard, but when we meet again, we can sing this song together again and laugh about the stupid things that we talk about.海阔天空by Beyond

Decisions

Was slightly tipsy yesterday and tired at the same time when I wanted to write this. So when I wake up in the morning seeing only the title in the post and a few words in the content, I knew I fell asleep without relating my thoughts. So here it is. The decisions we make now may or may not be of importance to us now but it might have an impact to us in the future. Choosing the right choice is never going to happen as a right choice now may turn out to be a bad choice in the future. And, alternately, a bad choice now may turn out to be not as bad as it seems down the road. I made a a lot of choices up till now, some with the influence of others and some without. Sometimes, I will sit there for a day regretting the choices I made and the actions I had done. But in the end, I just have to accept that my past decisions are not changeable and those decisions are what mold me into the person I am now. If I don't like the me now, it's time to make a decision to change. Everyone will in their lifetime regret in many a decisions they have made, it is only humanly to actually do it. If u never ever regretted on any decision you made, you are just lying to yourself. Make a decision wisely, it can change you forever. We will never now how the future turns out, maybe I will regret ever writing this here. But I did love to sit down and regret about it in the future so I can make wiser decisions in the future future.

The unknown 'me'

There is an unknown 'me' in everyone. A special someone that is still a part of me yet we ourselves don't think it existed. It might be a courageous person, a selfless person or even a person who can change someone's life. It might also be a selfish, mean person that only thinks about himself. I don't know what is hidden in me that might appear in certain circumstances. It is through going through the different stages in life that I actually learn that I can be more than what I see of myself at the moment. Maybe it is through all these events that we go through that we learn to unleash the unknown 'me' in us and hopefully embrace it for the better us in the future ( if it is a good trait that is). Everyone has a side that they keep from other people, they might be embarrassed or might think of it as unacceptable to others, that's why it is kept from others. Though being true to oneself, even if it means exposing your most embarrassing side, allows one to live without the fear of others looking differently at one, many choose to keep to themselves what they themselves deem unacceptable by others. Just like a cross-dresser will not want others to know that the luggage bag underneath their bed is full of clothes that fit others better, one will not like people to know that inside them is not what others perceived of them on the outside. If by any means you come across the unknown 'me' of other people, try not to expose them so directly. One might not easily accept their unknown self or accept others knowing about themselves, it will only lead to unhappiness. Hopefully, I will learn not to do that myself.

Looking forward

Losing out in something doesn't mean you lose everything, it means that it is time for you to look forward to something even better.
Don't sulk over something you lost, laugh over something that will eventually come to you.
I am learning to look forward. It doesn't mean looking forward for something, but it means moving on and leaving the past behind.
When I finally learn to let go of the past that haunts me, I will truly look forward to the laughers that I will have in the future.

My fault?

Haven't been able to sleep for the past 4 nights, don't know is it the jet lag or is it there is too much on my mind. Maybe both.
I got angry at my friend for getting into a relationship with someone that I don't really like. It's not that I don't like her, just that I don't have think much about her which make her not on my like list.
Mainly, I got angry because I like him, and I felt that I lost him. I was angry at both him and myself. I knew we were just friends but I chose to think more of it, when this matter came to light, I lose control of my thoughts and couldn't control thinking the worst of everything.
I got angry because he just told me he did let go of the girl he liked a day ago and the next he was with another. I felt that he lied to me.
But deep down I did knew he liked the other as well, just that I don't want to believe it, and maybe I wasn't always favoring her that even when he knew he liked the other, he can't bring himself to tell me the truth.
I agree that I was sad and angry and confused at the same time when we talked, leading to some comments that wasnt supposed to be said being uttered. But, I don't see why the fault is all mine. Even if he didn't like me, we are still friends, he being not as honest as I thought hurt me and I have a right to be angry. And he being so easily in love with someone after deciding not liking another also gets me angry. So I can't say it's all my fault.
I wasn't able to speak to him as I did before when I saw him at first, I knew I can't do it easily but I did still like us to be friends. So, I talked to him on Wednesday, telling him that I am able to accept him being with the girl, but I still wouldn't bring myself to like her even when she is with him. I did tried to like her for a year now, if I can't, it means that it's not gonna happen.
I thought we did be better today, but somehow I feel that he is angry at me for saying that and thus was trying to stay away from me for the day.
Is it my fault that our friendship has to come to this kind of condition? I know I don't take changes well, but I did try to accept it as soon as possible with a few days of emo. I don't really know how to hide my emotions even up till now. Guess I am just too childish for the adult way of dealing with emotions. But, I did sincerely hope that we could still be friends.